Critical conversations are where author Olivia Fox Cabane’s charisma tips are especially needed. Think about the last tough conversations you had – what went well, what didn’t. If you think of what didn’t go well, it’s most likely in the way the person received the information. Perhaps they were caught off-guard or they felt singled out. The techniques aren’t guaranteed to solve all problems, but applying them can help you keep what is most important in perspective, and that is the why of the conversation. Focus on the reason, which most often is to improve a relationship, to steer a person on the right track to better performance and more opportunities to advance.
Knowing this can help motivate you to take the time needed to prepare for the conversation. Since you have to have them, you want them to go well and by implementing her tips and techniques you’re increasing the likelihood that they will. As with all of Cabane’s tips in The Charisma Myth, she recommends practicing and making the most of lower stakes situations so when the higher ones come you’ll be that much more prepared.
In difficult conversations when people are more stressed, there is a greater focus on body language. She explains that’s because we revert to our primal fight/flight instinct. We pay closer attention to body language than words. What we see we’re able to process much more quickly than what we hear. To make sure our body language conveys the right message, she encourages us to take time to make sure our mind is in the right perspective. She suggests having the mindset of “help me understand how you see things.” Having this frame of mind will affect the tone of your voice, your facial expressions. It will be easier for the person to see as well as hear that you have their best interest at heart.
Then, when the person begins sharing their perspective, give the person your full attention and do not interrupt. You’ll have time to respond, but if you cut the person off they’re not going to feel heard. Your goal is for them to feel acknowledged and heard.
Key Takeaways for Critical Conversations
- Be mindful of your body language – you want to communicate care, concern, understanding, and empathy.
- People remember the first and last thing we say. With that in mind, start with a positive, such as expressing appreciation of their value or acknowledgement of their contributions. Bookend the conversation by likewise closing on a positive note with next steps, appreciation, and something you both are looking forward to in the near future.
- Plan the points you want to make and keep the focus on facts and behaviors observed. You can’t read people’s minds and so we want to avoid assigning motives.
- Throughout the conversation observe the person’s body language for signs of defensiveness. If they appear defensive, try dialing up your warmth and empathy.