I would hear the phrase “Thank you for your service” and not think much about it. That all changed in May 2014 when I witnessed the landing of an Honor flight. From that day on, the words took on an added importance.

 I was in Reagan International Airport waiting to fly home after a trade conference. Many of the flights including mine had been delayed because of bad weather. But soon among the announcements was one saying that a World War II Veterans’ Honor flight from Anchorage, Alaska would soon be landing. I didn’t pay much attention at first to the announcement that would repeat every 15 minutes . . . that is not until the one that said they would be handing out flags for anyone who wanted one as they welcomed the veterans. Many people continued standing in line, waiting to learn of their travel options as the delay got longer and they knew they wouldn’t make their connecting flight. I was standing to watch the screens updating the flight and had my backpack loaded down with books and computer equipment. My other arm was partially free since my purse wasn’t as heavy. But I stayed put, glancing to my right to see an employee with miniature  American flags. Several young men stepped forward to get one. But only a few. I began to wonder if many people would even turn around when the flight arrived, so worried and harried they were with the travel chaos.

As the announcements became more frequent, I wondered if passengers would at least turn around to see the veterans walk through the gate. There were so many people crammed into the gate areas by now with the weather forecast continuing to be negative. People were looking out the windows to see the gathering clouds that confirmed the delays being updated on the screens.

With the final announcement that the Honor flight bringing the WWII Alaskan veterans to Washington DC had landed, I saw a small media crew getting set up. But we all still stood in our place. Some turned to look to the far right where the agents opened the doors to the gate where the veterans were to walk through. Within 15 minutes the first few people begin their slow walk through the doors. The young men who had been the only ones to take the flags began waving them. Those closest to the gate began clapping and cheering at the first sight of the very elderly group slowly making their way up the ramp.

What I remember most about the veterans as I walked closer to the gate were their eyes. Unlike the frailty of their bodies, their eyes were alert and bright and moved quickly around the crowd. I will never forget the expressions on their faces – first of shock at seeing such a large group of people surrounding them and hearing loud cheers and then of joy when they realized it was for them. Many were overcome by emotion with tears welling up in their eyes.

The reactions of the veterans immediately transformed the crowd who only moments before were complaining of delays, visibly frustrated and impatient to not yet know their travel plans. Tense jaws were relaxed, and suddenly the anger and frustration disappeared and in its place was a mixture of both awe, joy, and gratitude. Everyone clapped and cheered, and those closest to the slow yet steady parade of the remarkable veterans tried to make eye contact with them, to shake their hand, or to pat them on the shoulder. They wanted a way to show their gratitude to this group of veterans. As the clapping and cheering became louder the expressions on the veterans’ face continued to light up. They were energized just as their very presence had uplifted an entire wing of the airport. Many people had tears streaming down their faces as they clapped and called out to the veterans. I overhead several people near me relaying stories of their own relatives who had served but had since died.

What also struck me was the support and love shown by those escorting the veterans as they made their way through the terminal.  The spouses, grown children, and adult grandchildren of these men and women were greatly moved by the experience. Some were pushing a wheelchair and making sure a crocheted afghan covering their loved one didn’t get caught in the wheels. Another looked to be a son helping his father get up from the wheelchair to walk part of the way.  

Later that evening the weather cleared, and my flight was finally called. As passengers began boarding, we talked about how fortunate we were to have our flight delayed. Had we left at the scheduled time, we would have missed the Honor flight. It was an amazing experience that brings me to tears each time I have reflected on it. It is one I have recounted to my family and friends and to my students  . . . to share what it taught me . . . the importance of expressing our gratitude, especially for sacrifices of which we can’t begin to know the depth. And for that, I never want to miss the opportunity to thank veterans for their service.

Critical conversations are where author Olivia Fox Cabane’s charisma tips are especially needed. Think about the last tough conversations you had – what went well, what didn’t. If you think of what didn’t go well, it’s most likely in the way the person received the information. Perhaps they were caught off-guard or they felt singled out.  The techniques aren’t guaranteed to solve all problems, but applying them can help you keep what is most important in perspective, and that is the why of the conversation. Focus on the reason, which most often is to improve a relationship, to steer a person on the right track to better performance and more opportunities to advance.

Knowing this can help motivate you to take the time needed to prepare for the conversation. Since you have to have them, you want them to go well and by implementing her tips and techniques you’re increasing the likelihood that they will. As with all of Cabane’s tips in The Charisma Myth, she recommends practicing and making the most of lower stakes situations so when the higher ones come you’ll be that much more prepared.

In difficult conversations when people are more stressed, there is a greater focus on body language. She explains that’s because we revert to our primal fight/flight instinct. We pay closer attention to body language than words. What we see we’re able to process much more quickly than what we hear. To make sure our body language conveys the right message, she encourages us to take time to make sure our mind is in the right perspective. She suggests having the mindset of “help me understand how you see things.” Having this frame of mind will affect the tone of your voice, your facial expressions. It will be easier for the person to see as well as hear that you have their best interest at heart.

Then, when the person begins sharing their perspective, give the person your full attention and do not interrupt. You’ll have time to respond, but if you cut the person off they’re not going to feel heard. Your goal is for them to feel acknowledged and heard.

Key Takeaways for Critical Conversations

• Be mindful of your body language – you want to communicate care, concern, understanding, and empathy.
• People remember the first and last thing we say. With that in mind, start with a positive, such as expressing appreciation of their value or acknowledgement of their contributions. Bookend the conversation by likewise closing on a positive note with next steps, appreciation, and something you both are looking forward to in the near future.
• Plan the points you want to make and keep the focus on facts and behaviors observed. You can’t read people’s minds and so we want to avoid assigning motives.
• Throughout the conversation observe the person’s body language for signs of defensiveness. If they appear defensive, try dialing up your warmth and empathy.

An article in January 2018 Delta SkyMiles magazine shares how Greta Gerwig, director of the hit movie Lady Bird, uses name tags to build a sense of belonging with everyone on the set.

Name tags are something I use in training and facilitating even when the people in the group work together and should know each other’s names. Of course, it can be helpful for me the trainer. Though I am good at remembering names, it can still help me when it’s been a while since I’ve been with the group. More importantly, it’s been helpful for the attendees who may not work directly with some of their fellow employees and so might feel embarrassed to not remember names of co-workers.

Gerwig shared a great tip for using nametags to build a sense of fun and belonging on the set. They post a question the person is asked to write the answer to beneath their name. That day her production assistant Dana came up with the question of the day – “What’s a movie you should like but don’t?” to which Gerwig’s handwritten answer was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

The question encourages everyone to take a moment to look at the person’s name tags. It takes away the embarrassment of needing to look to see the person =’s name while hoping they don’t notice you needed the memory jogger. At the same time, you’re learning something new about the person. It can be a great way to start conversations that otherwise might not happen. It builds relationships and connections so important in adding value to face-to-face training and meetings.

At the very least, instead of preprinting name tags, consider having colored markers and letting people write their own. That way they can indicate if they preferred to be called by their middle name or something different than the formal name printed on a registration roll.

Gerwig shared that she got the idea for nametags from director Mike Mills. She likes it because it gives everyone a chance to know each other and avoid the “hey you” greetings. It also helps participants keep in touch after an event because they know the spelling of the person’s name.